Well into Welly

Classic lazy Gordo, didn't bother writing my blog for over a month. Now I'm left with a list of excellent quotes and memories littered with typo's because, the best memories are usually made half cut!

So I left you as I was just leaving The River Valley Lodge in Taihape. As the name suggests, it's by a river, in a valley, no surprises there then. River Valley is good and properly off the grid, no internet, no phone signal and just a bar filled with rowdy individuals such as myself to entertain us all. River Valley are known for their table challenge. Essentially you have to take your shirt off (obviously) and circumnavigate a large wooden table in the middle of the bar whilst everybody cheers you on. The first to achieve this feat was not myself, nor was I the last. A heated game of beer pong and the ping-pong using a netball were much more interesting, and achievable. 

After waking with a monster hangover it was time to embark on my first whitewater rafting trip. There is nothing like cold water and extreme sports to get rid of a hangover. Without a shadow of a doubt whitewater rafting is one of the best things I have ever done! We had a great boat and an even better guide. One younger gent on the boat was particularly jaded from the previous evenings festivities. It wasn't until after the ride I was made aware that this guy had chosen to relieve the contents of his bladder on the top bunk of a giant 16 person dorm bed, soaking the unlucky chap below and his neighbours. However this wasn't simply a case of not making it to the toilet. He actually stood up, pulled his trousers down and peed against the wall as he couldn't be bothered to head to the bathroom. Also a 32 year old women drank 3 bottles of wine and threw up all over herself, what fun!

After our rafting excursion it was over to the capital, windy Wellington! The first of 2 big surprises came when I bumped into somebody from my quaint home town of Harrogate living in the hostel I had chosen! What a shock to the system it was. I had literally no idea she was even in NZ never mind at the hostel, Hi Flick if you're reading this. The second shock was that I had managed to lightly sprain my ankle when I fell out of the boat the previous day. As anybody who has rafted before will know, you stick a foot in the boat under the seat to secure yourself. Sadly the secured foot was very secure indeed. When I was upended from the boat that leg remained attached to boat. Not ideal but hey, its not supposed to be safe. 

So with a lightly sprained ankle, we took to the streets of Wellington. Following a brief trip through the food market and up the infamous Cuba street our team happened upon to excellent discoveries in quick succession. Ekim Burger truck and Laundry Bar. You can guess why the burger van was good but, the real crown jewel was seeing that a Mungos High-Fi an artist I have seen countless times at raves all over the world was playing that very night!!!!! Damaged ankle in tow I skanked out like a yardie until the earlier hours, here's my fave Mungo's track.

Wellington is the city I had been searching for in NZ. Not too warm (it's too windy), lots of craft beer including in my opinion NZ's top breweries, decent mountains to climb, great food and a nice small city center. If I was going to move to NZ, Welly would certainly be very close to number one if not my top choice. As you can imagine, delicious beer, cool rooftop bars, cocktails and delicious food were consumed to great extent. I also learnt some exciting new Italian swear words which I will relay to you in person should you ask.

Despite what I told myself, I didn't hit up the wineries in Marlborough nor did I get over to Abel Tasman national park in the South Island. These are must does and I can only apologise to myself and you, the adoring public. What I did get to do was visit the beautiful Kaiteriteri which has some truly spectacular views and clear skies perfect for sky gazing. Afterwards we headed down to the famous Lake Rotoiti to take a classic traveller photo. Sadly the weather wasn't ideal so we didn't get the full glory of the valley. However I still jumped in the water where there are loads of eels *check the photos*. On this leg of the journey we paid a visit to Cape Foulwind. The Cape was so named by Cpt Cook with good reason, it blows a f**king gale there. Our visit was no exception, but not did it make for some moody photo's. I also got to see Seel's which made me very happy indeed.  

The final stop before Queenstown was in the middle of nowhere at Lake Mahinapua. A pub without much to offer except free breakfast of bacon and pancakes, 2 hot tubs and a delicious beer named after their late great owner; Les. Tradition dictates a fancy dress party and my first encounter with the "Anything but clothes" theme. It's fairly self explanatory theme so we can leave it there. All you need to know is a good friend called Karl won but making a costume to look like he was being eaten by a shark. Truly an inspiration to us all.

On that bomb shell it's time to end. Next on the agenda is what went down in Queenstown and beyond.

Photos here

Peace 

Couple Sours - NZ

If there's two things I'm a sucker for in this world it's sour beer and excellent can art. Today I present you with both.

But it's not one beer oh no! Two for the price of one just like that guy who sells windows says "You buy one you get one free". These weren't actually buy one get one because that doesn't seem to be a thing in craft beer but anyway, on with the review.

Jungle Boogie - Funk Estate, Auckland, NZ

Blood Orange Sour

ABV 5.3%

Colour: Initial pour is golden, settling with peachy tones and a frothy white head that disperses fairly quickly

Smell: Super fruity! The orange is prominent with lighter citrus notes falling into the background

Taste: The sour notes are at the forefront of your mouth but not overpowering. Grapefuit and subtle sweetness rounding of the taste nicely into a very drinkable sour.

Feel: Thin in the mouth with a faint fizz, sourness lingers just a tab.

3/5

Dr Funk - Funk Estate, Auckland, NZ

Brewers notes - Welcome to the stage Dr Funk as he drops his latest eclectic new beat; combining samples of Japanese and Persian citrus from his two decks afront of a psychedelic backdrop of flavours. Dr Funk is the trippy lovechild of Funk Estate and Doctor’s Orders Brewing. Frankenstein; no. Groovy yuzu, black lime tart and addictive nectar; yes. Enjoy.

Sour Ale

ABV - 4.9%

Colour:  Pours a crystal gold/yellow, with a minute white head.

Smell: The dominant smell is citrus, a hint of hay (barn yard brawl) with light malts throughout.

Taste: Delictable first sip with a dry after note. Reminiscent of a good white wine? The sourness isn’t overbearing. Lots of lemon and what almost feels like mango

Feel: A couple of steps away from a berliner weiss. Light and bubbly in the mouth with moderate fizz

Founders Breakfast Stout - In Full

Founders Breakfast Stout

My experiences with Founders have been fairly limited, All Day IPA was a staple 2 summers ago when I first got into craft beer. One thing I've always had time for is a coffee stout and this oatmeal/coffee/chocolate breakfast number seems to fit the bill on face value.

With a persistent milk chocolate head this is truly a stout by nature. It’s as black as tar with a thick yet buoyant consistency. 

Despite it being a double chocolate stout the first impressions are a heavy coffee aroma with an after thought of dark rich chocolate. The flavours feel balanced yet the coffee overrides the chocolate and I feel the oatmeal contributes nothing but thickness.

A bittersweet combination first impressions are bitter with an after thought of a complex dark chocolate notes. Initially heavy in the mouth it goes down well with a small amount of fizz as it goes down.

Overall I enjoyed the beer but feel like the chocolate could’ve been a little more prominent. A coffee stout will always have a place in my heart but this certainly isn’t the best I’ve ever had.

3/5

Kiwi Experience / Birthday Vibes

Jordan's Kiwi oddessy continues here and now with our latest installment available today for your eyeballs.

So, last time I gave you a long old list of the cool shit I've been doing. Today won't quite the same. But rest assured, I've been fucking shit up like Donald Trump (only with respect for women, climate change and minorities). We left off last time at The Fat Freddy's gig in The Villa Maria Winery. Fat Freddy's really seem to be at their peak still after all these years, it's really amazing to see a band who've been around for over 9 years killing it so well. I would pay the same money and more to watch it all again. This will come as something of a shock for some of you, but Villa Maria very nearly ran out of wine at the event!

From today's title you may be wondering what is Kiwi Experience? Essentially they've got loads of buses that drive around NZ taking foreigners such as yours truly to various cultural and exciting points of interest throughout the country. As you can imagine 40 plus rowdy European's, Canadians and Americans running all over NZ on a bus together guarantees fun times and high jinx are not in short supply.

Since first coming to NZ in December I have developed something of a passion for kayaking. Our first first stop on the Kiwi Experience trip was up to Hot Water Beach near Thames, an area I am very familiar with as it's where Chris' parents live. The preliminary Kiwi ex activity was a kayak trip though a marine nature reserve to Cathedral Cove, a very popular beach with suitably impressive rock formations. After the excursion we watched the sun set at Hot Water Beach. Why is it called hot water beach? Three guesses.... At low tide there are geothermal pools under the beach which heat the water providing you with a nice warm bath on the beach.

For the Lord of The Rings/Hobbit fans it was necessary to take a trip over to Hobbiton. Now, personally I like the movies but am by no means a "super fan". They only had to say there was free beer in The Green Dragon pub at the end of the trip and I quickly signed up to visit Casa Del Baggins. Being a man of the people I ended up acquiring not one, not two but three free drinks from the Hobbiton pub a little tipsy. Whilst it was cool to attend you can't actually go into the Hobbit houses and there are so many tourists it kind of ruins the magic of what should be a tranquil environment. Sadly they are trying to squeeze every last penny out of the franchise.

On my actual birthday I had so much goddam fun it's frightening. Firstly they day began at a Waiotapu Geothermal Park. Learning about the Maori relationship with the land and how they used different geothermal baths for different purposes including healing and even for cooking. But it wasnt just a talk, oh no. We were cooked us a boiled in egg in the boiling hot pools which was the perfect breakfast accompaniment. Lastly we were treated to a traditional Maori greeting with suitable tong wagging and screaming. Lastly at the park it  was time to see that native bird of New Zealand, the infamous Kiwi. Now, I had been expecting to see Kiwi birds roaming the woods etc whilst walking. Sadly, the Kiwi is a nocturnal, flightless and endangered bird. However being the birthday boy my wish finally came true and I got to see one in the flesh. They kind of remind me of the Pokémon Doduo but only with one head.

Bungee or bungy (if you're a Kiwi?) Jumping has been on my mind for a very long time and Lake Taupo was the place for it. I can safely say that was one of the best things I have ever done. You may have already seen the video but if not check it out on Instagram. My lovely Canadian buddy Dayna joined me for the bungee swing and and I did a the solo jump also to get the adrenaline pumping.

Having now spent 25 years on this glorious earth I found it strange that I never met somebody with the same birthday as me. Mac Miller is pretty damn close (only a day or so apart) however 2017 is a year of firsts just one, or two, or even three but there was 4 of us celebrating on January 21st. Shout out to Paul, Ben (or Dan) and the other Ben I just met today. Birthday twins are the best people to have around and it makes that special day a little more fun sharing it with others. Multiple G&T's were consumed, dance offs took place and general revelry ensued until the early hours. Finishing with the obligatory late night McDonald's trip for hash bowns and nuggz.

2 days post birthday was arguably the most difficult day of my life to date but also one of immense pride. Hiking the Tongariro crossing is known as one of the best 1 day hikes in NZ and even the world. A 22 KM trek through desert conditions surrounded by nothing but volcanic rock can be quite daunting, but being the tough chap I am that just wasn't enough. Along the walk you have the option to climb the world famous MT Doom from Lord of The Rings. The place Frodo spends three movies trying to reach to destroy the one ring. Coming in over 2000 m above sea level, hiking this bad boy is no mean feat and usually adds about 3 hours onto an already 6 hour hike. In total it took 8 hours and 40 minutes to walk cover 25 km including Doomy Mc Doomface. It was by no means easy and at times I felt that I couldn't do it, you were often climbing a near vertical slope in  volcanic sand  and rubble with two steps forward and half a step back. The views from the top made it all worthwhile. Mike and Elliot my hiking buddy's provided the perfect combination of complaining and support to make it through to the end in one piece.

This weeks diary entry will be finished with pieces of wisdom and general statements from my travels thus far.

- Sulpher baths and geothermal pools fuck up your skin (spots etc)
- Rotorua smells like eggs
- Lasagne pies exist in NZ and they're almost as good as the ones from Wedges on Cold Bath Road, Harrogate, North Yorkshire
- Chocolate bar flavours are on another level in NZ
- You can get a pretty delicious bottle of wine for $7.99 in Pak'n'Save (Gunn estate Sav and Merlot not bad at all)
- Avocados ripen when they want, no matter what you do
- Spiced Rum and orange Fanta isn't FANTAstic (see what I did there)
- Burger Fuel is fantastic (Shout Out PT for the V DUB and satay combo)
- There's more vegans than you think in the world and some of them aren't even that bad
- I can't remember the name of the this shot but, Tequila with lime dipped in coffee on one side and brown sugar on the other side are pretty good
- Deep fried Lasagne and or Mac and cheese slices exist and boy are they good/terrible for you
- NZ's best fish and chips so far has been Oxford Road in Hamilton
- "Everything's just better in Wellington"
-  Andrew Brownlie uses face masks to remain youthful (not travel related but still a fun fact)
- Ginuwine sings that song from Magic Mike (Pony) and it has been stuck in my head for like 3 days
- You don't want to stay in a hot tub for 2 hours after a 25 km hike as your hands could look like mine *see photos*
- Some people are horrible and will steal your beer out of the fridge in a hostel. So to ensure fun times make sure you always have emergency wine stashed
- You can cook an oven pizza in a pan but it may end up as a clazone
-  $14 dollars is a lot to pay for a knock off Guinness

That's all folks,

Peace Up, A-Town Down

The last time I wrote for you wonderful people my heart really wasn't in it. There is far too much to do in this glorious country. The distractions are rife and I've actually got some people to hang out with who aren't moving to the next town or city tomorrow. Surely you noticed the  abrupt ending and lack of enthusiasm. With that in mind a festive hiatus was in order and now I'm back with a bang like an explosive boomerang (If you need a ghost writer Jay Z just holla)

So what does a New Zealand festive hiatus entail you may wonder? Well I've complied a list of all the good shit I've been up to.

There's been more boat rides, catching fish, free diving for scallops, paddle boarding (badly), body boarding, backyard cricket, dolphins, sharks, beer pong, pie face, 80's-noughties kiwi rock bands, wizard staffs, Mo-Town dance parties in the centre of Auckland, Bollywood music videos on top of a volcano, aqua turds, woodland turds, crafty beer, pretentious british man punching way above their weight, fake moustaches, Turkish kebabs, Doing Natasha Bedingfield at karaoke in a gay bar, Blasting Tchaikovsky during a bar lock in at 4 am, Climbing several mountains, Climbing a volcano with great views over Auckland when it was foggy  , Cutting your hand on 3 separate occasions because the twist top beers are a little too tough to open, Drinking a beer that was over 3 years past its expiry date, Multiple games of Articulate, Visiting the 4th largest tree in the world, Consuming the "Best fish and chips in the world" in Manganui sitting over the water in the harbour, Volcano and chill, Making s'mores with Lindt chocolate and those special NZ Christmas cookies, Normal Jenga, Giant Jenga, Jigsaw puzzles, Where's Wally jigsaw puzzles, Frozen sour grape Fanta, Beer funnels and several core classes at the gym.

Whilst I have listed many of the fun things I've been up to NYE was an absolute belter. As mentioned in my last post new year was spent at the Coroglen Tavern. A pub in the middle of nowhere which strangely seems to attract quite good bands from all over. Mi-Sex, Dragon and The Feelers tore the place down. The music was great and I was having so much fun I didn't realise there was an area to buy chips and burgers. Before hand the squad assembled at the campsite for beers, river swimming and general revelry. On the return leg there were approximately 500 people trying to squeeze into a 30 person which didn't suit me at all. Instead I decided a 4km walk in the dark down a country road would be quicker than waiting for the bus and it very nearly was. There ended up being no second run of the bus and myself and Greggsy got 7/8's of the way home before being picked up by our friends who hitched a ride in a mini bus. After this I managed to get myself lost and made friends with an Aussie couple who made me 2 fried egg sandwiches before I finally stumbled back to my tent in the wee hours. All in all its been a successful few weeks.

As some of you may already be aware it's my birthday on January 21st and that means that I'm officially getting on a bit, 25 years old means lots of things, not all of them good.
Firstly, if I was to go on X-Factor (for some strange reason) I'm now in the 25 and older category.
Secondly my 16-25 rail card days are numbered. Soon full price train travel is going to become the norm.
Thirdly, people expect you to have your shit together at 25. Your friends start pooping out babies, getting engaged and I'm over here deciding if 4 cookie dough crunch ice creams for lunch is excessive. However it's not all doom and gloom. It's become apparent from my time away that getting older isn't always a bad thing, after all age is but a number, it's never too late to do what you want and to be honest, partying every night/weekend really isn't that much fun. You start taking less shit too, my patience for people who aren't a positive influence has dwindled and accepting that you won't like everybody nor will everyone like you. Look at me getting all deep and philosophical.

When you're reading this I will be nursing a slight hangover after watching Fat Freddy's Drop sell out a 10,000 capacity gig at a winery to begin my birthday week.

Peace,

New Zealand, not Tom Zealand

Happy Christmas, Hannukah and or Kwanzaa to all the boys and girls reading the musings of Harrogate's favourite tiny eyed traveller.

I trust all readers are overfed and financially ruined following the festive break. Not being home for Christmas has been interesting and only slightly lonely. There are a few key factors that I can't help but think about. How was Major Tom's on Christmas Eve? Where did everybody go after MT's as Rehab is now shut? If I had been home, would I have ruined Christmas day again by being so hungover I had to chun before eating? There's also the fact I've not had a festive bake or festive dippers from McDonald's and quite frankly an outrage on both parts.

So New Zealand, walking through the airport I got to live out a life long ambition and became part of the hit TV show Border Patrol (I'm fairly certain). The couple in front of me from Guangzhou had decided to ignore all legislation and brought what looked to be 5kg of dried prawns although that was never clarified.

For the first time on my trip I got to see a familiar face when stepping off the plane. The man, the myth, the legend that is C-Breezy (Chris Barlow for those not aware of his rap career). Chris has been kind enough to not only pick me up from Auckland airport, but to let me stay with him and generally make sure I enjoy the finer things NZ has to offer. Some of these fine things include Pineapple Lumps (8.8/10), Tim Tams (8.4/10), L&P (9.3/10), Potato Topped Pies (9.1/10), Hundreds & Thousands biscuit's (8.2/10) and other boring stuff like waterfalls and culture etc.

Despite what Jonny Amaku and TLC have to say,  I have continued to chase waterfalls and there is a shit tonne in NZ. I am in waterfall heaven. Whilst visiting Rainbow Falls in Kerikeri I even got to walk swim in the lake underneath. Whilst basking in the majesty of nature there was quite the commotion behind me, followed by a splash. It seems a drone that was being piloted had cut out/turned off/broken and fell in the water. Needless to say the German tourist gave us all an education in swearing in his mother tongue.

72 Hours is enough time to do China right?

I forgot to post this last Sunday and for that I will hope that you can forgive me Andrew Brownlie.

My first country almost turned into the only one, Duh duh duh... I very nearly missed my flight from Delhi to Guangzhou due to the delicious Maharajah Mac and Delhi airport's "silent announcement policy". Keeping it strictly veggie I opted to steer clear of the Chicken option at Maccas. It deserves 11/10 as veggie guy is fire

*The Mc Cruncher in Ireland gets an honorable mention.

Whilst basking in ambience of McDonald's Golden Arches it became apparent that time had runaway with me. What started out as a quick walk progressed into an jog and finally a run after catching a glimpse at the departures board. Luck however on my side, making it onto the plane with moments to spare.

The flight passed without issue and I awoke slightly jetlagged, slightly stinky Englishman in China.

To boost tourism and otherwise increase China's stranglehold on the west they allow visitors to stay for up to 72 hours for free with a visa on arrival. Anybody who has tried to stay in China longer will be aware of the pain. When discussing the Chinese interlude within my "world tour" the only option was to to seek advice from the great Tom Haverford and "Treat yo self" so I booked a 5 * hotel.

To say The Garden Hotel, Guangzhou is fancy would be fair. They had 6 restaurants including 1 revolving gourmet buffet (£65 a head no chance) 6 high end fashion retailers and 2 banks on site not to mention a full spa, 24 hour gym and not 1 but 2 different artificial waterfalls in their back garden.

Upon arrival it became clear that there was something big happening that evening. A 30ft Christmas tree dominated the lobby with all the check in desks turned into snack and beverage stations. Given the odour exuding from my body it seemed apt to bathe before pilfering all the food and drink possible.

After a brief trip to freshen up I jumped in the elevator to head out and ended up gate-crashing the KPMG Guangzhou/Macau Christmas party! 8 glasses of champagne and 2 new Chinese friends acquired it was time to go and see the city. Guangzhou feels ike a hybrid of Manchester and London, but much cleaner and nicer than either of our fair cities.

Taking the time to walk around and get lost in a city is always fun in Guangzhou it was business as usual. Before arriving I was aware that I wouldn't be able to use any of my many Google products due to China's ongoing disagreement with the tech giant. As a result I had  to rely on Bing maps. Sadly Bing didn't live up to my expectations and failed dramatically when trying to direct me to an awesome bar. The bar was located inside and old bomb shelter and was quite the hip-happening place on a Friday night with live music, cocktails and craft beer. Sadly I was soon to find out that nothing stays around for long in Guangzhou and the bar had been replaced with what I shall call a gaming hall. Filled with about 400 computer's and kids playing clash of ponies or whatever the kids are into these days.

With my tail firmly between my legs I walked back from the nerd layer in need of a drink and some food. Through the magic of Google translate (offline) and the power of chance I found a 7/11 and a place for tasty noodles on my way home. Nailed it.

Day 2 arrived and I was still so sleepy I managed to stay in bed till 11:45 which didn't bode well for my busy plans. First on the agenda was visiting the one of the tallest building's in the world and the biggest in China.

After this it was a quick hop, skip and jump across to where they host the China games and their city lights festival which I missed by a day! Never mind there was easily the coolest library and museum across form each other. I even managed to find 10¥ on the floor *winning*. After wandering the city for a few hours I decided to head back to the hotel for a shower. However date threw me a slice of craft beer based serendipity hit me.

"Beer Hardcore" are a small chain of beer shops that host approx 6 taps and a healthy selection of bottles. Being in China it felt right to grab a Chinese beer and I was not disappointed by a delicious IPA. Whilst basking in the ambience of delicious beer and surveying the finer part of town in Guangzhou. I made the acquaintance of an American gent from Portland, Oregon a we immediately bonded over beer, twizzled moustache's and fixed gear bikes. The 3 common denominators in any hipster cities.

My evening consisted of a trip down Shangxiajiu pedestrian street. Well known for its traditional markets and street food. Despite not finding any deep-fried cockroaches (much to my fans dismay) I did have some banging noodles from a street vendor.

Nice and quick China was all done and dusted. Now heading out NZ where I'm hanging tough for 3 months.

Peace out